Title: Todays The Day
Writer: Danielle Argyros
Today’s the day Tabitha, you are gonna brush your teeth, get dressed, walk up to Brad’s cubicle, deliver his morning coffee and say: "Hey Brad, I brought your favorite coffee with a wide selection of sweeteners: Stevia, Equal, or raw!" NO, Tabatha! Don’t give him options, make a choice, you are the choice!!!
(Smells her underarms..gross) We got to fix that.
Hey, Brad, I brought your favorite coffee from your favorite coffee shop and I was hoping maybe we could go out tonight and after our candlelit dinner, you could cradle my body as we lie naked on my bed.
No Tabatha don’t freak the shit out of Brad. He’ll never want to go out with you... be cool, be sexy... and do not look at his package while speaking to him even if it does have the perfect amount of bulge. You can do this Tabatha. You are going to make hot sweaty bedroom moments with Brad. Maybe I’ll ask him next week. Yeah.. next week.
Title: I wish I was a Dog
Writer: Alicia Crockford
Sometimes I look at my dog and think, man, you got it good. All he does is sleep all day, and eat...and what, get petted?! No bills, no pain, no drama; nothing.
I envy his dog, Michael’s dog. Yes, I know, how can you be jealous of a dog?! But he comes home to her every night. He gives her kisses and cuddles. That's all I want, I mean, isn't that what everyone wants? We're humans; we have emotions, we want attention, we want love... but what if some of us are unloveable?
I know, it sounds really dumb. But what if you keep meeting people and over and over again you get rejected. Is it because you're unloveable? This is how I feel. Have you ever felt that way?
Title: I Am Human
Writer: Bailey Ardies
Type: Teen Girl or Boy
That won’t work in here.
Where am I?
We’ve been searching for you for 12
years. You took off before we could
finish the experiment.
I’m not an experiment for you to
torture. I’m human.
He leans in to her face.
Not anymore. We couldn’t harness
all of your power. Can’t you see,
we’re just trying to help you.
Help me? Like you helped me by
taking me off the street when I was
13? Then torturing me. Starving me.
Making me fight. Making me lose
control of my temper. Making me
lose control of my mind.
You didn’t give us a chance to
Title: Nothing To Say
Writer: Maria Couce
Type: Maria Couce
Wait. I’m a little confused. You always have something to say but now when I do want you to talk, you run out of words? You’ve never run out of words…in our whole marriage.
You won’t say anything but you’re apologizing….for what? What are you apologizing for? I don’t get it? Before when I asked you who she was and why I kept seeing her around, you got angry and said I was too suspicious.
When I wondered about certain things that seemed peculiar, you asked me to stop being so judgmental…..no, no, no….you TOLD me to stop being so judgmental!
But now….now that I find all these selfies of you and her, you are apologizing, but won’t tell me what you are apologizing for. Why don’t you have anything to say? This isn’t how it works. It isn’t how it’s going to work for me. Now you NEED to talk! TALK!
Writer: David Lewis
Susan! Susan. If I treated you like shit it was not because I didn’t love you. It was only because I thought I could get away with it.
If I’d known it would come back to bite me in the ass like this I never would have stood you up as much as I did. I only canceled dates with you at the last minute and took Margaret out instead because I thought you would always be there, you were my safety girlfriend.
Susan! You always said I wasn’t honest, well this is what honesty looks like. It might not be beautiful but really neither are you. I’m sorry that was stupid. I thought if I could get your self-esteem low enough again you might take me back?
Susan! Can you at least lend me bus fare. I want to go home.
Title: Serve and Protect
Writer: Michael Stone
I was a police officer. My job was to serve and protect you, which I did. I have been shot at 47 times. I did whatever was necessary to make it home to my family. I didn’t want to kill little Tommy. He was my friend, my friend. That’s all I really wanted to say.
Title: NEW KID AT SCHOOL
Writer: Brooke Wellnitz
Type: Pre Teen Girl
Oh hey….Today is my first day of school
Most people are pretty nervous to be the new kid…
Well not me…gives me a chance to reinvent myself…
First impressions are everything…
I could be the Spoiled Rich Girl…
My mommy said that I can’t do any activities that could damage my acrylics…
I could be the New Kid from England…
Would you fancy coming back to my house to have a cup of tea?
It could be a chance for us to get to know each other…
I could be The Nerd…
HEY GUYS! Want to see my new Harry Potter Book….oh wait…guess I left it at home…but
It’s the 10th edition…
I could be the Cheerleader…
Did you guys just see the way Becky looked at me? Does she not know I’m the head cheerleader…I just got my cartwheel…she can barely do a straight jump…
I love being the new kid…It’s all about your attitude…
Maybe we should just be ourselves….
Title: Who Am I?
Writer: Jaquiez Douglas
Type: Adult Male
Who am I? That's a good question. Who am I? You mean who I am? Or do you mean who I have to be, who my family insists on me being in order for them to love me? The me I am for them. The me I can't be.
And that's that skinny guy who does everything right...is the perfect image of success...who has a closet full of Armani suits, a power car, a beautiful wife, and two perfect kids. All while upholding everything for someone else to be proud of.
Look at me… Look at me! I see my reflection in the mirror and in the eyes of every woman I ask out, and it always says the exact same thing. You know what it says? "Oh he's such a great guy, he has a great personality, maybe I'd just like to see it in a thinner body."
What if I can never get thinner Chloe? Hmm? What if I'm never that guy? I mean who's gonna love me in this body? That's why you've got to help me Chloe. You've got to help me show them that I do have something inside that's worth them being proud of... that I am worth loving. Please help me Chloe.
Title: Frick If I Know
Writer: Sarah Baxter
Type: Guy or Gal
I don't know what I'm doing here. I mean I know what I'm doing here but I... I don't really know what I'm doing here, you know?
Like...like do you ever feel like you're waiting for life to happen to you? Like... like OK , let's say you're at an intersection and you don't know which way you want to go. There's... I don't know...flowers off to the right and a sunset to the left, something, I don't know. Whatever. And when all of a sudden some guy pulls up to the left you and he's like "Frick you! Why don't you fricking go you frick frick frickity frick? And your like, "who says 'frick' anymore sir?" And he's like "Frick, frick, frick!" And he fricks off to the right.
And then you're like well… decision made! I pull forward and go to the left because frick that guy I'm going left. That's life making a decision for me I didn't have to do anything but wait being pulled or pushed in the right direction.
And what I'm saying is what if I spend my whole life waiting and I never do anything what if I've been waiting my whole life because I've never learned how to make a real choice and commit to it? So what am I doing here? Frick if I know.
Title: PERFORMANCE REVIEW BOARD
Writer: Ana Gatchell
Type: Adult Male or Female
Before we continue, I have something to say. I have been Chief Surgeon at this hospital for over 20 years. You know that I do and have always done everything according to protocol.
So tell me…please, why am I standing in front of the Review Board being interrogated!? Yes – a patient died. It happens. I’m a surgeon. Not God.
OK. That night I went home after a 72 hour shift. Just as I was about to pass out I get the call: 21 year old male with a gunshot Wound to the abdomen. So much for sleep.
I’m back in the ER. I do a Rt. to Lt. visceral rotation to reach and repair The Inferior Vena Cava. I gain both proximal and distal control before opening the Retro-Peretineal Space. I apply the appropriate compression, Prep the Suture Repair…… OMG….. I blacked out…, I killed him.
Title: Mad As a Hat
Writer: Collin Sutton
Type: Adult Male or Female
Soon this city will be mine for the taking.
Speaking of this city, how’s the funding coming along?
Fools! This could have changed the medical field in ways unimaginable. They can not begin to fathom the power I now possess.
Precision is of the essence. Lay too many crumbs and the mice get full, lay too little and they cant follow the trail. The right amount of crumbs and the mice will follow the piper to the beat of his drum.
I don’t follow.
Runt the rats sooner, and well, you get the picture.
You truly are mad.
When one truly understands what madness is, I am afraid he is mad himself.
Title: The War
Writer: Missy Schwartz
Type: Adult Male or Female
This is a joke. We're never gone win! Those were lies ok? We don't stand a chance. You don't think I notice they look at me like I'm their savior? I don't want to be responsible for them! They have no clue what's coming... The War that's at their doorsteps, they can't fight! They're all gonna die and ill be damned if I lead them to their graves! As soon as I get my chance, I'm out of here. I'm gone! And I'm not coming back.
.Title: Don't Drink the Shiraz!
Writer: Richard Kovacs
Type: Adult Male or Female
At a gathering, SHIRAZ DRINKER sits in an intimate circle with PIER 1, PIER 2 and PIER3.
I see! It's my turn now, I got it! I see what this has all been about...FISHING! Classic pier group pressure. You tell us your sordid little sexual exploits, as do you, and you over-share like boundaries don't exist, too much information that no one, NO ONE could sit through comfortably.
And now you want crack me open like a fucking nut and see what's inside. What makes you tick? YEAH! Well I'll tell you what makes me tick!
At the heart of me is an inner sanctum, a safe place a centre, I've got one. It's PRIVATE, it's for me and for whoever I invite in. And the people I invite in are not the ones who come along knocking at the door with a FUCKING WRECKING BALL! That would be you, you and you.
I invite my friends in, in good time. And by friends I mean the original definition of the word, not someone who just clicked on me and catalogued me. THAT'S WHY I'M NOT ON FACEBOOK. There's still a me left to meet in the real world if anyone can be bothered.
Just leave me out of your petty parlour games if you don't mind, thank you very much. As you were! Cunts.
(just audible to all)
I just wondered if you had any hobbies...
Finger knitting, sometimes..
Title: SWEETEST THING
Writer: Brittany Cox
Hey! Welcome back. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. You know, I’ve been thinking about you and that last time we were here. What was it you said…. “you are just the sweetest, cutest little thing.”
It really stuck with me you know…sweet, cute, thing. Has a nice ring to it…thing. Kind of appropriate now, don’t you think? Being where we are. You of all people can appreciate the irony of it.
This thing you abused…tossed aside…provoked…is now the only thing keeping you alive. I know you know it. And I know what you’re thinking: “how could this sweet girl ever do anything to hurt me”? I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to fucking end you.
Title: Lost Kid
Writer: Parker Queenan
Type: Guy (teen)
Shit! What do we do?! I told you-you should've been watching that kid instead of playing on your fucking phone but noooo you are too damn stubborn to listen to anyone but yourself.
Look that kid’s parents are gonna be here any second now, what do I tell them? ‘Oh hey yeah, sorry. See we actually lost your son in the city in the middle of broad daylight because Jonny over here was on Snapchat.
No, no don’t you dare, don’t you fucking dare try and pin this on me! That kid is gone and That’s on you!
Shit! Look I’m sorry I’m just on edge right now, obviously. It was my fault too. I’ll talk to them when they get here. Are we good?
Hey Mr. and Mrs. Dawson, Jonathan has something he’d like to tell you.
Title: My Mom's Ashes
Writer: Celine Rosalie Zoppe
Okay, so I position myself perfectly on the edge of the cliffs, by the ocean. I take out mom's ashes. I recite a prayer and recite a line from Shakespeare, Othello, she liked that play.
And then I say… Goodbye Mom! And, toss her ashes out in the air.
And by air, I mean wind, and by wind I mean the wind blowing straight in my direction. So, sure enough Mom blows right out -- and right back at me! And by back at me, I mean my face -- and by my face -- I mean my nose.... and my mouth.
And, of course from all the crying, my face is all wet and weepy… so, Mom sticks to my face, and I freak-out, and inhale with horror, and down she goes! Not all of it… her… it… her... but enough, you know? Enough to be absolutely horrified that I’ve just inhaled some of my mother, which of course could be seen as some beautiful metaphor for Mom living inside me and all that sentimental crap!
But really, all I can think of is… my mother tastes like charcoal.
So, now I’m either going straight to hell for cannibalizing my mother or:
I don’t know… but kissing Roger will never be the same.
Title: He Was a Good Man
Writer: Waldemar Fernandez
Type: Adult Male
He was a good man, a conflicted man. One day he was in a hospital on a life support system. I sat next to him and he said to me:
“You know every moment I am kept alive it's destroying all the good moments I had before” and then he said it!
He said: “I love you! I love you son!”
I said: I love you too, dad.
He said “Prove it! Prove it !”
I gave him a hug and I walked over to the life support system.
I looked at him and he had his fist pounding on his heart and said: “Thank you”
He was a good man, conflicted man.
I never knew I loved him so much until that night.
Title: The Stranger
Writer: Nicole Gordon-Levitt
Type: Guy or Gal
I was this foreign exchange student and one night, it was pouring rain, I was driving on my Tuk Tuk when I noticed this young man at the bus stop.
I felt so bad, so I decided to give him a lift. I told him to hop on behind and when he jumped behind me, I could feel his hands on my shoulders and it was freezing cold. It was a little bit weird actually, and I offered to give him my jacket.
I gave him a lift home and I went home when I noticed that, oh shoot, my jacket, I completely forgot about it. I went back to the house and I knocked on the door and this elderly woman she answered and she said, "how can I help you?" And I said, "Umm, I left my jacket when I dropped your son home."
She just kind of looked at me in a bizarre way. And I said... as I could see the jacket through the cracks, and a picture roughly...I said, "Oh, that's my jacket."
And she looks over at the jacket, turns back to me with a deadpan look on her face and she said, "That is just not possible... my son's dead."
Writer: Lars Frugard
Hey, Buddy is that the toy I got you? You're getting so big.
Would you just the put my son back on the phone? Yea I know this doesn't look good.
Show me your toy.
What? You're not taking my son anywhere. I took the fall for you and now your gonna take my boy from me?
No, no no no no no no, get your hands off my son. Jamie get your hands off my son. Mark! Mark, I love you, I love you so much son, I love you so much. Don't forget your toy, don't forget your toy Mark.
Title: Between Me
Writer: Mariel Josette Mickens
I can’t go in there.
I have watched people go in that room and talk to Dr. Lucas, and walk out crying, walk out with their head down, hands in their pockets, not able to take a deep breath.
I have rolled my cart past this office every single day at 1:17pm – I know its 1:17pm because that’s when that smoke detector beeps three times with exactly 5 seconds in between, each beep.
Yes I count them. And yes I constantly check to see if my front door is locked, if my shirt is straight and I even worry about whether or not I am going to lose one sock and then that means I won’t have a pair.
STOP SMILING! I know you think I’m crazy especially when I see a particular set of numbers in a row and I feel it’s a sign from the universe that I am doing something right.
I take care of my mother and my sister by myself and yes they have learned to deal with my OCD but they will think I choose to be….
I don’t want Dr. Lucas to make me tell them – I need to keep this one thing between me and me and me and me I can’t go in there
Title: An Amazing Night
Writer: Amanda Fernandez
When I finally fell asleep I had this dream. I was standing at the end of this long tunnel of pine trees and at the very end of it was this man dressed all in white. I had never met him before, but somehow I knew him.
He began walking towards me and the sounds of his footsteps were like thunder. When he looked at me it was like he could see into my soul. I immediately began thinking of every reason for my guilt. Everything I wished I wouldn’t have done, things I wished I would have done. Just everything I didn’t want him to know about me.
And as though he could hear my thoughts he spoke into them, “I love you. I love you. I love you.” And then I woke up. And I was overcome with peace.
And I know it doesn’t make any sense, she’s still gone. But this peace is more real than me and you. It was an amazing night.
Title: Acting For Dummy’s
Writer: Ana Gatchell
Type: Adult Male or Female
Hi I’m Cindy Bookman!
I have something special to show you.
“Acting for Dummies”
It stresses the importance of ARTICULATION.
Cuz if your audience doesn’t understand you,
Ya may as well be talkin Chinese,
Unless of course, your audience is Chinese,
in which case there’s no problem.
Fortunately I got that section of
It just happens to be my specialty.
So, let me give you an example from page 6,
Quickly ARTICULATE the following
Disorders Doctors [don’t trust’em]
Basil Cell Carcinoma Nevoid Syndrome
Supra Ventricular Tachycardia
Atrial Ventricular Septal Defect
Brachial Plexus Palsy.
Ahhhhhh what a GREAT exercise!
What a GREAT book!
I LUV books!!!
So, this [present Acting For Dummies book] is
the greatest discovery in library history.
You have a monologue contest….
Do I have any takers?
Title: Congratulations, It's a Boy
Writer: Ryan McKenzie
Type: Adult Male
Monologue: Fuck. You look just like me. Ok, so I’m your dad. And here to get you out because you are, a criminal -- apparently, arrested for spray painting a wall?
Well, you gotta get your act together, you gotta (pulling out photo), you gotta, you got your grandmother’s artistic abilities. That’s more positive. We can develop on that...
Look this is weird for me too. Not the chapter of life I was expecting to enter, Ok? I had a new car lined up. A vacation, new cookware.
So, dad things, dad things, dad things. You hungry? I gotta get you out of here first, but then I shall feed you. Yea, that’s good.
Fuck, you do look just like me.
Title: Boss Meeting
Writer: Parker Queenan
Type: Guy (teen)
Hey Mr. McCree, you wanted to speak with me? Look, if this is about that customer issue I clearly explained to the nice lady there was simply a problem with her credit card balance. Now was it a little unnecessary for me to raise my voice after she explicitly disregarded my authority?
Can you stop clicking your pen, please?
Mr. McCree, you and I both know I’m not even supposed to be at checkout in the first place. You just put me in there to save yourself some paperwork. Oh, I know. Try telling that to HQ.
Mr. McCree I’m gonna need a, a thumbs up from you before I can leave here-I’m about to break that damn pen if you don’t stop clicking it!
And you wanna know something else I enjoyed screaming in that old bags face and she deserved every part of it and there’s nothing you can do about that now and you wanna know why? Because you’re a wussy little bitch!
By the way, I never got my check from last quarter, you can just mail it to me and we should be good. See ya later, Mr. McCree.
Title: The Classroom
Writer: Brady Thomas Stanley
Type: Guy or Gal College
Monologue: Professor, excuse me, but your argument is crap. You just spent all of your time on Clause A of your argument, where you established that the fetus is a person and you spent lots of time explaining why. But then you completely glossed over Clause B of your argument where you were supposed to establish why killing a person is wrong, to land at Clause C, which is that abortion is wrong.
So. Question for the class. Why is killing a person wrong? It's a very important question that he never established. I mean, I know it's wrong, you know it's wrong; we all know its wrong. But why?
It's because I have a right to life! Right? But something your argument also ignored is the fact that women have a right to their own bodies.
Here's my argument. Moral judgement in abortions case is going to be completely dependent on the outcome between a persons right to life, versus another person's right to their own body. How do we proceed from there?
Title: Only the Rad Die Young
Writer: Eli Santana
Only the rad die young I still can’t believe he’s gone. Ya know, Eric was a pillar of the community, who would do anything for his friends, like it didn’t matter how little coke he had, he’d always make sure you’d get a key bump before he did.
I mean he died doing what he loved, getting gacked out, banging my roommate and jumping off our balcony. And I know that it’s no one’s fault but had his girlfriend been a grown up about their newborn and not demanded that he come home every night, he wouldn’t have left in a panic and stuck the landing.
It’s like ripping the wings off a butterfly, just let him be free, you monster.
His last words were like an E.E. Cummings quote or something, “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.” Do you know why I didn’t try and stop him? It was because I believed he could fly.
Anyway, I’m going to pass the old conch back to you, Pastor Will.
Title: You Can't Say That.
Writer: Chris Tedrow
I had a great time, too. I was really apprehensive about the whole "blind date thing," but this-this was SO great.
Y'know, I-I, it's been so long, I forgot what it's like to be in love! (beat)
Did I just say that out loud? I-I don't know why I just said that. I mean, I-I know that you can't say that you LOVE someone on the first date because that is...crazy. Right? And...I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm not good at this. I'm not. I will be so great at the stuff that comes later, SO great...this I suck at. But I think that if someone were to bear with me through all of...this...stuff that I'm obviously no good at...I think later they'd be really surprised.
But...this is now, I guess...so...I'm gonna go.
(He starts to leave, catches himself)
Actually, y'know what, I had a really great time with you tonight, and I would love to see you again. Goodnight. (He walks away)
Writer: Brian Molina
My First Week on the force, My partner and I got an emergency call…On the Eastside. A place your mama probably told you to never go to.
We roll up cause some kid is in there popp’n off shots at random barflies… When I get inside, I see this pretty little bartender lay’n on the floor face down, with half her head blown off…then this boy points the gun at me… So I did to him what he did to that pretty little bar tender…
Later on, the coroner tells us this boys been up for 3 days straight smoke’n crystal meth. 14 years old… And I wont ever forget him. Because if I had a son, he would look just like that boy…
So do me a favor, the next time you wana freeze up, just try to imagine how hard this shit is for me. I'm out here shooting people who look like me..we give tickets to people who look like you.
Title: The Barn Manager
Writer: Camille James Harman
Type: Gal or Guy
The Barn Manager You want to know how I ended up a barn manager? Who's doing this interview?
Well, I lost my nerve for competition riding. You see, I'm only 5 foot one, and these short, little legs could never quite wrap all the way around the horse. So, one buck, and whew, I went flying. Over and over. I broke my arm, broke my hip, broke my tailbone. Horses and I have a love/hate relationship.
But running this place isn't without drama. You got spoiled rich kids, hungover instructors canceling class. Rat control. Rattlesnake removal. Late nights with the vet. It's never easy moving a dead horse out of its stall.
But, if you take this little job cleaning stalls, you get one free lesson a week. I teach Tuesday nights at 7. I've got a horse that would love you. Her name's Cougar. Don't let that scare you. She's really sweet, she just needs to get ridden a lot.
So, can you start tomorrow?
Title: Thievin’ Mother
Writer: Erin Jo Harris
Shit... SHIT! Not NOW?! ...Shit! Fine time to loose my chuffing keys eh?! Dammit!
I know I said I weren’t goin back to it but I can't loose my son OK?! He's the one good thing I ever did and If it weren’t too much for you to heal him we wouldn't have to go through this shit again now would we?
Why won’t you help me God?
Funny. Very funny. I’ll pay it all back. Swear. Swear.
Ay up darlin! You callin’ on the iPad? Well get back to bed. I love you.
Title: High School Guidance Counselor
Writer: Eric Seiver
If you can dream it, you can be it. Let me tell you something Trevor – no, you can’t! That’s the kind of crap they put on cat posters!
I had dreams once…big dreams! I was going to write a book. I was going to travel. I wanted to swim with dolphins…I’ve never even been to Sea World! Trevor?!
Trevor?! Hello!! Are you even listening to me? Take out those ear buds young man! No, you know what? Fine, you’re fine…we’re done here.
Hey Trevor buddy, wait a minute…you wouldn’t happen to have any…smokey tokey, maui wowie on you would ya? No? Well forget I asked…have fun at Community College! I should’ve gone back to college…I coulda been an accountant…
Title: Just Dinner
Writer: Sue Silvestri
A classy, dressed-up women is texting on her phone as she waits in line. She looks up to see if the line is moving. Then looks up again in response to the man in front of her.
Excuse me? Dinner? I don't even know you. I'm just waiting here in line... No. (curtly) How do I know you're not a stalker? Or a terrorist?
(She goes off in her own world)
Or like my ex-husband, totally emotionally disconnected and intimately absent?
(rants under her breath)
Or like my ex-fiance who had texts and pictures of women just appearing like popcorn on his mobile devices?
(looks at him)
No, I don't even know you, I mean I don't even know you from Adam.
(goes off again)
I mean not the kind of Adam taken from the rib type thing or the poison apple. (questions herself) Or is that Snow White? Who had a prince come and kiss her back to life to have an everlasting love? (disgustedly disillusioned) Whatever…
(She stops and looks at him, then responds)
Oh… Just dinner?. Sure!