2016 Submissions

Title: There is a God!

 

Writer: Brett Preiss

 

Genre: Comedy

 

Type: Guy (to be read with a southern drawl)

 

Monologue: 

 

Hi. My name’s Huck. I come from a tiny town down south. We only had one pub, one shop and one hooker. Yep. Ma found it tough keeping three jobs.

 

Pa was a mean old man. Real stern and a Bible thumper. He would shout every day, “God’s watching you, kid!”.

 

Pa told me every time I looked at porn, God would kill a puppy.

Gosh, all those thousands of dogs… gone.

 

My brothers always gave me a hard time. They would say I was gay because I didn’t know anything about cars. That’s not true. I knew exactly what to do with a dipstick.

 

Pa would often force me into boxing lessons and play football … to make a man of me. Why, I had to shower with huge, sweaty guys from those teams.

 

Shoot! Pa was right. There is a God!

Title: Learning English is fun.

 

Writer: Brett Preiss (teaching the English language to 8year olds)

 

Genre: Comedy

 

Type: Guy or Gal

 

Monologue:  Morning Grade 3. 

 

Learning English is fun. Today, we are going to learn about the vowels, a e i o u.

 

What’s that Samantha? You have an aunt called Val? Lovely. Then, let’s call these Aunt Vowels.

 

Now please try to write them in your books neatly. Yes Gianna? No, I didn’t say we are going to write them in Italy, I said neatly.

 

 Children, let’s write each vowel with a tall letter. Pardon? Nein, nein Hilga, I didn’t say to write them with a toilet. I said a tall letter. Hilga, that would just look silly.

 

Oh, look everybody, Min Ji is writing the English letters very well. He’s from Korea. Min Ji, what’s the capital of Korea? Did you say ‘K’? “K?!”. Oh dear.

 

Daniel, ‘Y’ is not a vowel. Please erase that. What is a colour that starts with ‘Y’? Anyone? Fiona? No sweetie. White does not start with ‘Y’.

 

Did I really say learning English is fun?

Title: IMMIGRATION

 

Writer: Ian Patrick Williams

 

Genre: Comedy

 

Type: Male Latino

 

Monologue:  RAMÓN:

 

Why do you keep saying things like this? ‘You people are taking away all our good paying jobs.’ Really?

 

If any of your white friends are looking to do any of these ‘good paying’ jobs that we do…planting and picking, working as a janitor, a maid or a housekeeper, doing the dishes in the restaurants you eat in, cleaning the hotel rooms you stay in, watching your kids or cleaning your swimming pools…please let them know we’d be happy to share! ‘

 

Cause we’re a very generous people; we’ve shared what used to be the Northern part our country with you for the last 150 years! You know, since you kicked us out. But in the next thirty years, guess who’s going to be the number one demographic group in all of California? That’s right baby, we’re ba-a-a-ck!

 

But don’t be scared…’cause when that day comes, we’ll make sure that there’ll be lots and lots of crappy jobs for you white people to 

Title: Just Stay My Ex!

 

Writer: Chris Taylor

 

Genre: Drama

 

Type: Gal

 

Monologue:

 

What the hell!? Are you kidding me?!! What are you doing here Jimmy? I'm auditioning! And, how did you know where to find me?

 

Did Margo have anything to do with this? I'm gonna kill that twitt.

 

How much pain you're in! You broke up with me remember?! You idiot!

 

(beat)

 

Look this is a big part alright and my immediate future is hinging on the results of this audition... no thanks to you!. You Schmuck! So, would you mind getting your dirtbag ass out of this waiting room -- and my life for that matter! I said GO!

Title: What’s in a Name?

 

Writer: Sherryle Kiser Jackson

 

Genre: Drama

 

Type: Guy 

 

Monologue: 

 

I want to apply for a marriage license. (Pause)

 

Name?

 

Damon Myer-Jones. (Smirks) I know what you’re thinking. Myers-Jones? It's bulky. I used to think it was this multi-syllabic monster -with a hyphen no less. My mom made me wear it - the name that is. She said it proved I was special. I spent a whole lot of time trying to earn it somehow, you know- to fill it out.

 

(Reflective) the Jones part, I could understand. I knew him Gill Jones, my adopted father. But Myers -my “real father” - never even met the man. I heard he was some big-shot Advocate somewhere. I actually spent precious time researching this guy –a two-page Google-search. Apparently, there were causes that were bigger than being a husband and father to my mom and me.

 

But I wonder about this guy, you know - compulsively. I wonder about blood ties, habits, shoot, even perversions, all pipelined through my DNA from this man. I wonder if I even have the stick-to-itiveness to be married or will I be like him – and run. Mostly, I wonder how I can pass on a name to my fiancée that has never really set well with me?

Title: Death

 

Writer: Cfayla Johnson

 

Genre: Comedy

 

Type: Guy or Gal

 

Monologue: 

 

 Hi. I’m Death and I am an angel, but not just any angel. I am on earth to help you transfer to heaven.

 

Yes, I’m a beginner and, unfortunately for humans, sometimes I get it wrong. I take you to God upon your transition but I can be a little early or late and have been known to take the wrong exit.

 

I have a big heart. I love Earth and I’m so happy to be here I get immersed in loving you and forget the details. Once I transferred someone accidentally to hell; the devil did make me do it because I’m a little spacy and I took the wrong exit. Of course, the devil opened the door for me. You could hear the screaming all over heaven, and the laughter in hell.

 

No worries, we just flew right through to the other side so fast we didn’t even get a sunburn. So now I’m in angel therapy. Anyway, I’m on probation; angel school for the angelic challenged. 

Title: COLD FEET

 

Writer: Lauren S.

 

Genre: SerioComedy

 

Type: Gal

 

Monologue: 

 

 Dad… I need to talk to you. I can’t walk down this aisle right now. I had this crazy dream last night.

 

I know… but I’m on the Laker bench watching Kobe Bryant play and he injures himself... again. Next thing I know he’s sitting beside me and I’m holding Kobe’s little face in my hands and saying ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you.

 

Just listen. He turns to the Coach and says, “Put her in.” I know, right? So naturally, I say "Yes, that’s the solution, I’ll sub in." But then look down and I realize I’m wearing skinny jeans and stilettos. And it sinks in! I am about to play professional basketball with NBA superstars… and I don’t know any of the plays! 

 

When I woke up and I knew exactly what it meant… I’m not ready walk down this isle right now.

Title: Who's The Victim Here

 

Writer: W Fernandez

 

Genre: Drama

 

Type: Guy

 

Monologue: 

 

  Like I said - I came home and there was this guy in the kitchen.

 

" Sit down" he says and puts a gun on the table. So, I sat down.

 

"Do you know Russian roulette?" he says.

 

I tell him I'am not doing that! He grabs the gun and puts it to his head... click! Then he puts the gun down and tells me its my turn. I tell him I'am not doing that! 

 

He says. "Point the gun at me and shoot!" So, what can I do? I Pick up the gun and pull the trigger... BAMB!!! There's blood everywhere! I drop the gun. He grabs it! Then my wife Darlene walks in and he shoots her!

 

Here I am in my kitchen with 2 dead bodies. The cops come... and arrest me! Hello! Am, I the victim here?

Title: THE BROKER

 

Writer: Ryan McKenzie

 

Genre: Drama

 

Type: Guy

 

Monologue:

 

 So, here we have a 10,000 square foot building. You've got 14-foot clearance at the base of the beam. 400 amps 120/240 power. Evap coolers for the warehouse. And lastly, 1 grade and 1 dock door both 10 by 12 feet. That’s what you’re looking for right?

 

Now, you and I both know that you’re not manufacturing Raggedy Anne dolls or whatever bullshit you said on the phone. You’re growing pot! Don't worry I’m not trying to bust you. I just want to lease the building. The marijuana bill passed and you want skin in the game. So, if you want in, you’re gonna do it right.

 

First, get a shell corporation saying you're doing light manufacturing. Second, you need good credit. Third, when you do get the building, don’t fuck with power. Fourth, Don’t fuck with the power. Fifth, Don’t fuck with the power! If you do fuck with the power, the Department of Water and Power will get the cops out here and shut you down so fast you won't be able to say, “I fucked with the power.”

 

My finders fee is 5%. When you’re ready, call me and we’ll get to work.

 

Now, lets take a look at the kitchenette.

Title: The Last Square

 

Writer: Chris Tedrow

 

Genre: Drama

 

Type: Guy

 

Monologue: 

 

 Molly! (holds up empty toilet paper roll) Again? Now, we have talked about this. I--...No...It's...Okay/No/Stop/Alright! Would you just stop, for once?

 

Molly, this matters to me! And not just this. There are so many things that matter to me in this marriage that you don't seem to care about at all.

 

Like my time and my personal space. I used to have bowling night every Tuesday. You haven't even let me see my friends in months!

 

Or what about politics? I care about politics, you didn't even vote! And look what happened! And if you try to make me drink another one of those god-forsaken kale smoothies I'm gonna stick a fork in my eye!

 

Y'know, I think this... (holds up empty roll) isn't the only thing finished here.

Title:  What's Your Sign?

 

Writer:  Allison Walter

 

Genre:  Drama (Spoken and also signed in ASL)

 

Type: Gal

 

Monologue:

 

Hi. Bear with me, my sign language is new. The other day, when I gave you my phone number, you wrote back that you were too different.

 

I think you’re different in all the best ways. You drink hot chocolate instead of coffee and read old western novels instead of the newspaper…and you look around at the world like you’re waiting for something brilliant to happen. I am waiting for that too.

 

So I’m giving you my number again, and if you want to learn about my different stuff sometime and maybe help me with my sign language, call me.

 

(beat)

 

Or just…text me I guess.

Title: Choice

 

Writer: Matt Chris Wood

 

Genre: Drama

 

Type: Guy

 

Monologue: 

 

 So, I've thought a lot about what to say today and...I want you to do it. And I hate myself for feeling that way but I am so scared that I won't be able to love this baby because every time I look at it I'm gonna see him. And I'm gonna see what you and him did.

 

And now all of these moments between you and me that should be so beautiful, that we dreamed for and planned for, you totally just ruined. And it makes me fucking sick. 

 

But my heart loves you. I love you. And it's gonna be hard, but we are gonna have this baby and I am gonna fight with everything in me to get over this so we can save us.

Title:  Wherefore Art My Romeo

 

Writer:  Susan Silvestri

 

Genre:  Comedy (British accent)

 

Type: Gal

 

Monologue:

 

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?<br /> Deny thy father and refuse thy name…"

 

(Looks around)

 

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art MY Romeo…(Looks at watch) Your profile says “always on time”, perhaps it simply slipped your mind… 

 

Your message said meet at “table number two” -

I’m here, but where the bloody hell art you?!

 

(American accent) Your name’s most likely not even Romeo - it’s probably George. 

 

But then (British) “what’s in a name?” 

 

(American) I bet you’re 10 years older, 10 inches shorter, 10 pounds heavier…

 

I know my profile says I’m an optimistic hopeful romantic but this is just the kind of thing to poison my heart and put a dagger in my dreams of (British) “love at first sight.”

 

(She looks around at the other tables.)

 

(American) Why can’t you look like HIM? (gestures to the table next to her)

 

Excuse me?… Yes, I’m Juliet - you’re Romeo? And that’s table no. 2?

 

(Looks away and mutters under her breath in British) “All the world is a stage”…

Title:  Journalist, Not a Gigolo

 

Writer: Matt Chris Wood

 

Genre: Comedy

 

Type: Guy

 

Monologue: 

 

 Wait, you guys are serious...No! No, no no no no. What?! No! This completely crosses every boundary of journalistic ethics I can think of, not to mention violates my own personal integrity.

 

A) I don't care if it's for a charity auction, I don't dance. B) I don't look that good shirtless and C) who cares if she "thinks I'm cute", the Secretary of State should not be cougarizing young, innocent journalists, she's pushing 60 for crying out loud!

 

Look, I wanna save this station just as much as you guys - don't look at me like that - but why are you guys always pulling this shit on me? I have taken one for the team so many times at this station, I'm like Hall of Fame status. I came here to be a journalist, not a gigolo.

 

Fine. I'll do it. But this is seriously the last time.

Title:  Liberty and Justice For All

 

Writer:  Don Daniels

 

Genre:  Drama

 

Type: Guy (African-American football player)

 

Monologue: Colin Kaepernick

 

Look, I already know what you want to talk about. All I'm doing is exercising my constitutional rights. I'll stand again when a significant change happens and that flag represents what it's supposed to represent.

 

Now hear me out on this, this isn't something that I asked the other athletes to do with me. Obviously, there are other athletes out there that agree with me and feel as strongly as I do, and yes I'm proud that they're taking the knee with me. It just goes to show you and further proves my point that this is a legitimate issue that needs to be talked about.

 

The point of me taking the knee is for us to start of plan of action to something that is overlooked on a day to day basis, and it's not right.

 

This issue is right in front of our faces, but we choose to ignore it or dismiss by saying that "Now isn't the time for that" or "All Lives Matter". It's embarrassing. It makes it difficult to be proud or feel free.

 

I hope you can find love in your heart, and use that to see that what I'm doing is actually for the purpose of uniting us as a country. So, when I see significant change happen, then I'll stand again.

CLICK HERE 

For More Original 1Minute Monologues submitted to previous writers contests

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